the id

asofterworld

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 08:15:01 GMT

i think you are beautiful and i would like to kiss you

i can think up some clever lines, if you'd prefer

but i wanted to say that, first

(none of those lines seemed to be about you or me)

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 00:05:55 GMT

two weeks until i get out of here. no class, no humidity, and work 3 days a week. i won't know what to do with myself. i can't wait

2 thoughts of the day

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:37:44 GMT

so i passed these two kids on the street today who wanted money. i was out of change, they told some sob story and my grandmother game them a few quarters. anyway, these kids said they were homeless, just got kicked out, had no money, needed a cab ride. so i didn't feel sorry for them, i'm doing just fine, why can't they be responsible? but i started to think "what makes me so much different than them?"

i've been in some pretty bad places myself, broke with no food, no gas. i've had rent due when i've had no money. the only reason i get through rough times is the fact that i have a safety net. my father, and to a lesser extent my mother, help me out when i really get into a bad place. and when i think about it, there have been so many times when i would have been as screwed as the kids i passed on the street if it weren't for my father. hell, right now i have 100 dollars to my name, and my father sent me a hundred dollar check last month. so i get to eat in the two weeks before my next paycheck because of him.

really, i can't imagine not having that kind of safety net to catch me when i fall. maybe without parents to fall back on, i'd be right out there with those other guys. it all seems to random for my taste.

i really hate, more than any kind of annoying personality, the full-of-shit-know-it-all. let me explain. there's a guy in my philosophy class who is really annoying. he's one of those people who thinks he's all that and smarter than you. the thing is, half the time he's fucking wrong. two examples come to mind. in the first, he gave a very matter of fact and entirely wrong account of why the sky is blue. in the second, he nonchalantly claimed that syphilis is caused by a virus (it's a bacteria, really). now i don't care if people are wrong, or if they don't know something. really, i don't know things all the time. but when you don't know something, shut the fuck up. honestly. i hate the know it all types anyway (shut up), who find it necessary to prove they know more than you at every chance (shut up, i know), but the ones who have to have every answer even when they know absolutely nothing really drives me up a wall.

Fri, 30 May 2008 19:25:16 GMT

this seems to happen frequently:

day of my shift - get home, throw cassette adapter on the floor. should i put it in my backpack? of course not, i'll remember to grab it on one of the 5 days till my next shift.

5 days later - dum de dum, getting into the bus, oh shit i forgot my cassette adapter

you'd think i'd have learned by now. oh well, looks like an npr-filled day

insomnia = livejournal posts

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:21:43 GMT

I want to take you far
from the cynics in this town
and kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free
from the tethers of this scene,
start a brand new colony.
Where everything will change,
we'll give ourselves new names.
Identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds,
under our bare feet
in this brand new colony.
This Brand new colony

Everything will change...

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:40:03 GMT

blarg, i have to be to work in 4 hours and i can't sleep. i hate these morning shifts. i hate it even more when i can't sleep. i just get to thinking, which never turns out well :\

spring semester stars tomorrow. i need to buy books. i've already read the first chapter of phych, so im off to a good start. here's to hoping i keep it up for the rest of the semester. i wish i had more to feel happy about. maybe its the sudden cold spell. i hope so.

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:34:21 GMT

Now that it's the end of the school year, I'm examining my life now compared to when I started way back in September.

Positives:

academic probation lifted
gpa is over a 2.0
declared a major (physics)
only two years left to graduate
found a job (driving a bus)
bought a macbook pro (yay)
got an iPhone
bought fencing gear

Negatives:

still in debt
mediocre winter semester
gained 10 pounds (stupid access to a kitchen)
still no car
don't have a summer apartment yet

Overall I'm happy with how the year went. Not perfect by any means, but what is?

jackie, here's you damn post. christ.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 06:21:00 GMT

work at 6am tomorrow. work 6 days this week. work 6 days next week. i'm wiped out... and i still can't sleep.

at least midterms are done with. may the greek gods have mercy on my soul. (the language-y ones, not the zeus-y ones)

Deja vu, one more time

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 08:26:44 GMT

bout of insomnia = late night lj post

Spring break is almost over, and while i'm sad to see it go, i'm ready for school to come crashing back to the forefront of my life so i have something to do again.

my nice week of sleeping in and playing video games and hanging out with people and generally being a leech on society has helped me recover from my week from hell pre-spring break, where, in a 72 hour span, I drove a bus for 14 hours, studied for 20 hours, spent 5 hours taking midterms, 10 hours in class, and slept for 15 (for those of you playing along at home, the other 8 were spent eating and driving, i imagine).

and while my bank account is currently $2700 smaller than it used to be, my shiny new macbook pro is at the apple factory awaiting shipment to its new master : ). gah, hurry up apple, i need to computer to distract me from the nagging thoughts of much it cost me.

oh yay, i think i'm passing out in front of the keybaord. 'night lj.

damn you apple!!!

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:06:44 GMT

RIP jailbroken iPhone

12/25/07 - 2/6/08

You left me when I accidentally upgraded your baseband. I'll always remember you in your jailbroken glory.

We had a good run... *tear*

I'll see you in the next life, when someone cracks the new baseband...

morning updates

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 06:40:50 GMT

Hurray for winter storms. And bus routes that start at 6:30am. And not being able to sleep 5 hours before your shift. Lucky me.

bleh

on the bright side:

clean apartment = yay

finding your key in the middle of the parking lot after two days of looking = mega-yay

These humans all suck, I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 09:58:59 GMT

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

Happy New Year to LJ land.

We are now at the same point relative to the sun (give or take) as we were when jesus was born-ish. Congrats.

This is the new year...

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:48:41 GMT

Meh, it seems like the only time i post to this is when I'm up too late. looks like you have to have a certain mindset to write in Livejournal, and I'm only in it when I can't sleep. It's getting near the end of the year, and looking back, I'm in a much better place than I was this time last year. My grades are better, I've pulled myself off of academic probation to stay in school. over the last year, my grades were so poor that if I didn't go to class at all next semester, I'd still end up with a higher GPA for this year than for last. I'm Very happy with the way this semester is gone, and more than the grades and the job, I think I've finally learned what I need to do to be successful. I'm no longer a financial ruin, and overall I've got a much better mindset. Going into next year, I've got financial aid to cover school and almost all of my books bought and paid for. even my calendar for the semester is all laid out. you'd think I'm a different person. Maybe I am. On the whole, I've grown a lot in the last year, learned from my experiences and my horrible mistakes (which were bountiful).

Despite my best efforts, I might make it Out of this college thing in one piece. until now, I really didn't know if I would...

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 05:44:03 GMT

merry christmas everyone on lj.

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 06:53:30 GMT

yay for updates for the sake of updating.

after pulling an all-nighter of cookies, rum, and madden on the wii over the weekend, my sleep is all screwed up. i thought i was ok after going to bed at 11 on sunday, but alas, i napped three hours today and now i can't sleep at 3am. here's to hoping my recent lack of insomnia isn't destroyed now.

taking a break from fencing for a week so my shin/calf/whatever the hell will finally heal so i can fence pain-free. i can't even run without limping for a minute or two afterward. i'm hoping the weeks rest will be good enough to heel up for remenyik. which will be amazing. best fencing tournament of the year in chicago, which will be very much fun. i hope my equipment comes before then.

on another note, i hate lab reports. a lot. my first one took 8 hours. i'm 2 into this one, and i have to turn it in tomorrow. oh how fun.

why do i still feel sick to my stomach? i thought that'd be gone by now...

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 05:56:52 GMT

haha, i just found out my flight leaves tonight at 12:10 instead of tomorrow at 12:10. this would be a good thing to know before the night you didn't realize you were supposed to leave. meh. looks like i'm coming back tomorrow. maybe.

i can't believe summer is over already. i love it out in cali, it's going to suck leaving it behind. i have the first job in my life i actually enjoy; i'm going to miss my office, i can't believe it. oh well. michigan should be fun this year, and i'm chomping at the bit to fence again.

here's to this year being better than the last.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 19:24:55 GMT

"Poetic Justice" isn't the right phrase, but it's the first that comes to mind.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 07:23:39 GMT

fuck you, now i can't sleep.

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:17:38 GMT

i'm not a very good person. i'm ok with this. some people get what they deserve.

i love chuck palahniuk

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 03:25:08 GMT

"Why do I do anything? I'm educated enough to talk myself out of any plan. To deconstruct any fantasy. Explain away any goal. I'm so smart I can negate any dream."

And I'm off to save the world

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 05:49:23 GMT

i know i shouldn't waste my time
wishing i'd been better designed
yet for some reason still think...

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:02:13 GMT

heh, i'm the motherfucking princess

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 08:06:06 GMT

it's been a while since i've posted something not emo-ly lyricy, so here goes an emo free post.

working, eating, sleeping, repeat. for some reason it seems to have more meaning out here. i've been doing 9 hour days since last thursday, i'm not used to being so occupied. from 7 to 5 my day is work, after 5 is recuperation, and the next day it starts again. i don't know how everyone does it, i think i'd die of the monotony of it all if i had to do it for more than the month i do.

but despite the revulsion to mandated schedules, i'm feeling better than i have in quite a while. this routine is working well for me thus far; i haven't been bored. work is easy, one mindless job with fun people, one job that takes serious brain work where i have free reign to get my project done and i work with my father. i couldn't have asked for a better arrangement out here.

so, have a job lined up for when i get home (bus driver - woot), if all goes well should have moneys saved up for school, seeing family out here i haven't seen in years, and generally feeling like i'm finally moving in some direction. school next year i'm hopeful about, i think i'm in the place i need to be.

things are looking up

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 00:51:14 GMT

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

Insane midnight ramblings, take 3

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 08:51:17 GMT

It's not even 5 yet. Have to get up at six--or rather, stay up till six. 7:30 blood draw, come home and sleep the day away. No rest for the weary, not tonight.

On the presence of dreams:

I hate dreams--well, not all dreams. Bad dreams I can handle; a bit of terror, not at all pleasant but fleeting. Nightmares are worse, but those are tolerable; a bit more of a scare, something truly awful happening will mess with you for a bit, but after all it's only a dream, and can be forgotten. Normal dreams are fine, mine are always so weird I can't make heads or tails of them.

No, it's the good dreams that I can't stand. Those dreams where you're happy as a clam, full of the utmost bliss that nothing in the world can touch. Those dreams where life can't seem to get any better, and you realize what you've been missing all along... you wake up with a feeling of exuberance and euphoria... before you realize that you've indeed woken up. And you look around, the amazing feelings of but a moment before are fresh in your mind, and you wake up to your plain life. Your happiness come crashing down when you realize it isn't real. It isn't until you realized how happy you could be that you see how happy you aren't.

I hate that feeling the most, the feeling of having something great and knowing that it slipped through your fingers; that's the worst feeling in the world. I'd rather not feel the great in the first place that feel what it's like to not have it again. That sounds horribly cynical even to me, but in the case of dreams i'd just as soon leave those wonderful ones behind with the depressing day they inevitably lead to. I'd rather be contented with life as it is than be tantalized with fleeting dreams.

And, of course, if you're not expecting the dream to come true then it is all the more wonderful when it does. Damn it, I ended on a high note. Oh well.

"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness."
-- Robertson Davies